Poisoned: Suffering Under the Wings of a Portugese Chicken

I love, love, love Portuguese (and all South American) rotisserie chicken for three reasons:

  1. Awesomely spiced/marinated
  2. Seared, caramelized skin from a coal-fired rotisserie
  3. Often accompanied with killer green or orange sauce

Unfortunately, we got to Pollo Romados, a Portuguese mom-and-pop in Montreal, at kind of an off moment. They weren’t rotisserie-ing and the chicken I was given was this sad bird left sitting in a foil container for God-knows-how-long.

I almost said “Bye Bye Birdie” when we saw the chicken but we stuck around and tried our luck.

How Old am I?

Look at that beautiful skin. Not one pimple!

Beautiful Skin (No Pimples Anyway)

Things quickly improved when they handed me a free Portuguese bread roll that was NFL regulation size.

Hot Buns

I popped open my dinner’s styrofoam container and discovered Potatopia: an enchanted place where everything is covered by a thin blanket of stale french fries.

Potatopia

Though the chicken was a bit cold and swam in a puddle of flavorless grease, I persevered.

And hey, to be fair, I did request”EXTRA SAUCE!” so hard that my eyebrows jumped off my face and landed back in place a full moment later.

Bye Bye Birdie

Heisman.

Heisman

Sniff..sniff…Sniff…sniff…I learned this one from watching my dog.

The nostril is the most sensuous tastebud

Well, I did just eat 3,274 french fries and a greasy chicken covered in tarantula blood but…what’s a few bites of bread gonna do?

Why Can't I Stop

Oh man, shouldn’t have ate that bread. It just sent things over the edge. Breathing….heavy….eyes…closing….evening’s plans….ruined….

Grease Lightning

…ZzzzZ…zzzz…el mar…zzzz….el mar de Ria Formosa…zzz…

Goodnight Moon

We walked out of Pollo Romados bloated and feeling like our gooses had been cooked.

I woke up sometime that night and ran for the bathroom. I’ll spare you the gory details, but it was the second sickest I’d ever been from food poisoning.

What have I learned from this experience?

  1. Don’t eat at a restaurant that’s been featured on Kitchen Nightmares twice!
  2. Don’t ask for “Extra Sauce” when said sauce is day-old room temperature animal renderings!
  3. Hire a medieval-style “taster”

Will I ever eat Portuguese rotisserie chicken again? Yes! I’m probably eating it right now…

…hold the sauce.

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